I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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