Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
