Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
