I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
