Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
