So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
