I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
