In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
