It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
