We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
