I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
