How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
