I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
