Its about making memories worth repressing
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
