You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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