Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
