Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
