i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
