Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
