I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
