I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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