so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
