Yo dont text me then not text me
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize