i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
