just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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