definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Randomize
