I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
