Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
