I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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