You smell like a Billy Joel song
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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