I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
