I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
