she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize