Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
