My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He shit in the fireplace
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
