im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
