Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
