I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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