I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
