Heybabeimwearingurpanties
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
