I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
