When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
