I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Say something about gay babies.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
