I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
