I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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