Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
