Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
