i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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