I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
