Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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