you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
