We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I didn't notice because vodka
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize