I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I AM VODKA MAN
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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