I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
