Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
