he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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