It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
