He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
