i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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