cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Oh god it's open bar.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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