I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize